So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
