My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
