I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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