Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
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