I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10