Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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