I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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