Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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