didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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