that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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