I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
