Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
