the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
