my phone needs a breathalizer
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
