i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
