I murdered the dance floor call the cops
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize