I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
