i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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