I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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