why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
