Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
