I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
