Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
