just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
