I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
