Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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