My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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