O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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