i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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