Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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