Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
