if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
