I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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