**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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