I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
