I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
