I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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