I could make wine with my vomit
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
