i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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