Taylor Swift is so right about you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
