Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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