Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
