i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
