So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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