We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
