My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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