It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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