You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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