if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
