His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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