these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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