the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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