kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
