Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
