I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
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This is my life. Enjoy the view
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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