I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
