Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
