New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
