My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
