I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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