Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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