i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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