I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
