Four minutes until I can fart!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Less talking, more tequila
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
